Sex with an Ex – The Breakthrough!

The man I love, who has strolled in & out of my life for four years, turned up recently after a nine month absence. I had mixed emotions – it had been the longest we had been apart & I was doing OK; I was by no means over him but I was in the best place I had been for a very long time. So when I received that text, I did have to think about my next step… I thought for about all of thirty seconds. That is the problem, I have no power to resist him. It always ends up the same way, he will be in my life for a week or two then off he goes back to his own life, and I am left to pick up the pieces of myself he has shattered once more. But yes, I did reply and the next morning we had breakfast. However, this time I decided not to jump straight into bed with him and see how things panned out. Things were wonderful, flirty texts, endless kissing, a bouquet of flowers and those nervous butterflies in my stomach took over from the wrenching pain of heartache I had felt ever since we had officially split three years ago. Things felt different. Had he finally realised that we were meant for each other & that he had been a total asshole the whole time?!

No. Had he fuck.

After several weeks of wonderfulness, I chose to let him have his wicked way. The sex was phenomenal (as it always had been) & I felt totally satisfied, both physically & emotionally. We spoke the next day, though he seemed cagey about making plans to meet up. I could feel those doubts creeping into my mind as they had done so many times before. ‘But this time it was different… Wasn’t it?!’ After four days, the texts stopped completely, he didn’t answer his phone – the usual story. This had happened before, but I was still never prepared for the effect it had on me. The crying into my pillow at night, the sadness turning to anger, the physical pain in your chest from having your heart ripped out & shit on….

But this time it was different.

After the initial few days of being slightly pissed off with him, I felt nothing, No ager, no sadness, no resentment, no self-hatred. Nothing. I was confused, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw “Maybe you’re only allotted a certain amount of tears per man; and I’ve used mine up.” Was that the reason? Instead of feeling used & useless; I felt empowered by my own nothingness. Had I finally cracked it? Could I have a physical relationship with him without letting my emotions get the better of me? Was I over him? Had the love that existed within my bones evaporated? After much thought I came to this conclusion: I do still love him with every ounce of my being but I have become immune to his treatment of me that I have learned to accept it. That may sound like a terrible predicament but it really isn’t. My heart still belongs to him, but I am no longer possessed by him mentally. I have detached myself from his unreliable nature, therefore I rely on myself to pull up my knickers & get on with things once he has left. I still feel disappointed, sure, but I am no longer disappointed in myself – I am disappointed in him. I find myself pitying him, he obviously still needs me to validate him. So maybe I am not the crazy ex who is still in love… I am the ex who chooses to be his validation without devaluing myself. And I feel pretty darn good about it.


The reason I am writing this…

I have always been a hopeless romantic.
My greatest ambition was to fall in love. The kind of love you see in the movies. Finding my soul mate then living happily ever after….

Four years ago, I did fall in love. I was completely, utterly, madly in love.
I had always longed to fall head over heels for my perfect man; but when I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t concentrate on anything but him. It was the scariest but most wonderful feeling I had ever felt.
Nothing could have prepared me for the end. He ended our relationship after 206 days. It was totally unexpected and I felt as if my heart had been torn from my chest.
Relationships fall apart all of the time, however this was not the typical relationship. And it still isn’t over.
Three years after splitting, and I am still living in the shadow of THAT relationship. I still lay in bed overthinking every small detail, trying to work out how I ended up here. I have fantastic friends and family but not a single one of them seems to understand what I have gone through, and what I am still going through. My only source of comfort is the TV show Sex and the City. The relationship between Carrie and Mr Big is the only way I can identify my situation. Now, this may sound ridiculous to some people but these characters, their emotions and their actions are the only way I can make sense of this whole sorry mess. There is a downside to this however: After ten years, Carrie and Mr Big do eventually end up together. This gives me (false?) hope. That maybe it will work out in the end. I just cannot believe that the past four years can be a waste, that the feelings I have are all for nothing. That this constant heartache will never be resolved.

This relationship and my emotional connection to it has made me feel more alone than I could ever imagine somebody to be. And I am convinced that I am not the only woman who feels this way. As I know, it is hard to explain and even now, I feel absolutely ridiculous for how I feel. But the feelings are there, still as strong as they ever have been. I am hoping that this blog may reach other women who have had suffered a heartbreak which they just cannot get over, and to let them know that somewhere in the world there is another woman who is struggling to get on with life due to her conflicting feelings and her broken heart. The heart which is still pinned on the man who broke it.